pregnancy Archives | Sarah Philpott

What not to say to someone who had a miscarriage

What NOT to say to someone who had a Miscarriage

It Still HurtsAs many of you know, I’m writing a book about miscarriage.  It’s going to be filled with my own experiences and the voices of other mamas who lost their baby(ies). I sincerely pray that the words help mamas- who find themselves in the middle of a miscarriage- feel less alone.  I also pray that it helps educate the people around us on methods of support.

Support provided by loved ones is one of the ways that people are helped through any grief process. When a family member dies, society rallies around the griever.  Refrigerators are full of casseroles, mailboxes are full of cards, and shoulders are loaned to cry upon.  But the grieving process of a woman losing her unborn child is often lonely. This loneliness might be by choice- she might choose not to tell people.  But sometimes the loneliness is because society as a whole tends to minimize miscarriage.  “Maybe next time” or “It just wasn’t meant to be” are very common phrases uttered.  Unfortunately these comments are often quite hurtful to the woman who has just lost her baby.

Stop and read the end of that sentence again, “lost her baby.”  You see, this is not an abstract concept or a dream-  we are mourning the loss of a baby: a loved baby.  We found out we were pregnant with our baby (we might have been nervous, scared or excited), we used our bodies to nurture our baby (we read books, blogs,  envisioned rocking our baby, stopped drinking coffee, stopped eating deli meat, started planning our nursery), and then we lost our baby. The physicality of this is quite intense; the emotional toil is real.  It might not have been “real” to onlookers, but we know that our bodies were nurturing a human life and even though we shouldn’t- many of us feel misguided guilt that we couldn’t bring the baby to term. It hurts. Our thoughts are invaded by untruths.  And even though we find comfort that our babies are in heaven with God, it still hurts.  At the crux- all we ask is that you don’t minimize our loss and that you don’t offer comments that make us feel any further guilt.   Pregnancy loss shouldn’t be minimized or brushed aside as not being worthy of grief.  The loss of a baby is a grievous situation.