The little one had been up screeching all night. Screeching sounds harsh, but it was reality.
Diaper wasn’t wet. Not hungry. Not teething. Just not sleeping.
And neither was I.
Up and down.
Up and down.
Up and down.
No sooner would head would hit the pillow then would I hear the cry.
And up I’d have to pop.
Baby inconsolable.
And I felt helpless.
As the sun peaked over the pasture I grumbled to my husband, “I can’t handle it today. All I do is REACT. I don’t get to plan anything in MY life.”
As most moms, my days are filled with washing sheets from potty training accidents, washing clothes for my family of five, and creating meals no one seems to want to eat.
And the messes. Oh, the messes.
I play defense in a game where my should be teammates are the ones throwing food on the floor, coloring on the walls, and always needing their diapers changed. In all honesty… just acting their age.
And at this point. I was EXHAUSTED. We’d just survived a month of the flu; I was still recovering from that mess.
My husband, Perry, gently took the babe from my arms to embrace the child in a good-bye hug.
I sat on the chair in our farmhouse and sulked.
It’s not fun to awaken for the day already tired, already filled with dread, and already not wanting to spend time with my family.
Already knowing that I had a day ahead of me of reacting to spills instead of crossing items off the to-do list.
Already knowing I couldn’t look forward to the evening where I’d be placing my head on the pillow for a full night’s rest, but instead knowing I’d probably have another night of being up all night.
Negativity swirled.
“Lord, I need to fight this COUNTENANCE of anger!”
My mind jumped to the word DWELL. The previous night my friend Brittnie, posted on her social media that her word for the year was DWELL, so “she could dwell in the Lord through ALL circumstances.”
So I willed myself to stop sulking for a moment and prayed, “Lord, let me dwell in your presence so I can focus on caring for my family without bitterly being angry that my plans aren’t being realized.”
(Plans not being something grand, but just being able to clean the dishes or get the sheets washed)
Perry, unbeknowst to what I was doing (he probably thought I’d dropped my head and drifted off), handed me our child and went out into the cold, dark morning to try to thaw a water pipe so our cattle would have water.
I instantly saw my sulking as sulking. Here he was going out into the cold to take care of cattle, whereas I was sulking that I’d have to stay in the warm house to take care of my own children.
I hugged the baby and prayed one more time to dwell in his presence. To stop being selfish.
Then a calmness washed over me. You’ve felt it, too?
And my heart rested in peace.
Peace of gratefulness that I had a baby- even if he was keeping me up all night. Because I was privileged to care for a baby.
Peace that I was blessed with a warm home.
And peace that I have a God who loves me.
Then I asked the little one, “Are you ready to sleep? And the child who had fought sleep for eight hours picked up a nearby quilt, waddled to my arms, laid head and my shoulder and fell fast and deep asleep.
The analogy didn’t escape me.
All night I had FOUGHT asking the Lord for help.
If I had prayed over the situation it would have been a “MAKE THIS CHILD SLEEP!” Fairly selfish. But fairly accurate prayer I’ve been known to plead in the midnight hours.
But when I prayed for a change in MY heart and asked to DWELL in his presence through my circumstances…well, the Lord provided my weary head a place to DWELL.
As the day progressed I felt the nearness of the Lord as my heart prepared meals, played with my children, picked up messes, and cleaned. And my heart was filled with gratitude.
Was I still exhausted? Yes. But my heart was filled with joy that my exhaustion was for the best cause possible–carrying for the family which I was blessed to serve.
And that even means praying for our hearts to take a different shape in the dark sky hours.
( I wrote this awhile back and recently found it handwritten in one of my journals. It’s a message I needed once again today. Peace on mamas–may you dwell in HIM instead of dwelling in the exhaustion. And also…dwell in a good nap if the opportunity arises!)
Do not copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2
Whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Philippians 4:8
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Psalm 23:6
One thing I have desired of the LORD, that I will seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life…. Psalm 27:4
Sarah Philpott, Ph.D, award-winning author of Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss, lives in the south on a cattle farm where she raises her three mischievous children and is farm wife to her high-school sweetheart. She is a TODAY SHOW parenting team blogger, doesn’t share deserts, and spends days cleaning markers off walls. Connect with her on social media!
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Thank you for sharing, Sarah. I needed this today.
I needed this today as well! Peace be with you!
Sarah as the mother of a 7 year old a a terminally ill husband O let me say this as a 65 year old mother of a 7 year old I struggle daily with mundane things that pile up on me Thank You for this I needed to see a better way to look at my life . I REALLY NEEDED THIS❤❤
Katie- so many prayers for you! I’ll be lifting you up. You’ve just ministered to me. Thanks for your vulnerability & for caring so well for those in your house.
We are praying for your husband in so many ways. You are both treasures.