Tonya brought boxes and boxes of Chinese food, Leighann brought a dozen hot, still-gooey, straight out of the oven cookies, Amber brought the most delectable chocolate cupcakes I have ever eaten (& offered me her uterus), Chrissi brought a beautiful flower for me to plant and Mary sent me the most heartfelt letter via email because she was hundreds of miles away.
I didn’t want them in my house. I thought I wanted to be alone. But like good girlfriends do, in they pushed. There I sat with my eyes swollen and my stomach contracting with pain. Their eyes were soaked with tears, too. They hugged me & loved on me & then departed. Words were sparse but love was abounding. I needed them.
My husband cried. He listened. He pulled me close to his chest and wrapped his arms around my body. He fielded phone calls and told people I didn’t want to talk. He protected me. He told the sweet people at my church not to mention anything to me in a public setting. She’s just not ready to talk. Private yes, public no. Please pray. He told me how much they cared. He took me to the doctor. He made sure I ate. He let me mourn. He mourned. I needed him.
My brother called. Every day. He left messages. He sent texts. I’m just calling to check on you, Sis. I needed him.
My mom, dad, father-in law, mother-in law, and step-father in law each offered to babysit my son. They took care of him while I layed beside the Kleenex box in my bed. I needed them.
The strangers on the internet understood. The ones in the support groups and chat rooms were brutally honest. The bloggers who wrote about their losses gave hope. I needed them.
My Professor at University nodded her head and said I’m sorry with her gentle glance when I entered class for the first time after my loss. I needed her.
My girlfriend’s husbands hugged me. They squeezed a bit harder when I placed my head on their warm shoulders. They didn’t utter a word, but I knew they cared. They told my husband they loved him. They asked my husband if he needed to talk. We needed them.
My doctor and the nurses at the office hugged me. Their cheeks were landing grounds for tears. One nurse sent me a text the next day telling me she was thinking about me. I needed them.
My best friend forced me to go on a weekend getaway. Just the two of us. It wasn’t fancy. Just a hotel with a pool. We were the oldest people slipping down the waterside. She even brought a book to read. She hates to read. We laughed we giggled. She asked how I was doing. I needed her.
I need you to know that you can’t take away the pain. Tears will still pour from our eyes & our hearts will still ache. But I need you to know that we need your love.
Simply showing up means more than you’ll ever know.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; Mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15).
Ideas for Offering Support to Someone Who Has Experienced Miscarriage or Pregnancy Loss
- Hug
- Pray
- Say I’m sorry
- Send a letter, email, or text expressing your sincere condolences
- Flowers
- Don’t bring it up in a public place. You can nod, whisper I’m so sorry, or gently squeeze our hands, but please don’t ask us about our loss right before the company business meeting. Talk to us in a private place.
- Respect us if we don’t want to talk
- Listen if we do want to talk
- Let us grieve
- Drop off food
- Offer to babysit our other children. Ask us twice so we know you are serious, but don’t force us if we say no.
- Gift a book: Miscarriage Resources & Links
- Educate yourself: Miscarriage Resources & Links
- Ask us if we need anything from the store. There are physical side effects to pregnancy loss
- Gift this book: Love You Forever. The story was written to commemorate the author’s unborn child.
- Give an angel ornament or some other token of appreciation.
- Ask our partner if he needs to talk. Listen.
- Invite us to dinner or coffee the weeks after our loss. Invite us to talk. Listen.
- Subscribe to Stepping Stone’s eNewsletter. Send an email to step@bethany.org
- Visit Miscarriage Resources & Links
- Choose your words carefully. Read What Not To Say To Someone Who Had a Miscarriage
- Invite your loved one to join Loved Baby Facebook Group
- Understand that you can’t fix it but you can love on us.
Loved Baby Support & Encouragement Group
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I lost a two month old son in 2006 after open heart surgery. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. 2nd would be having to take my teenage daughter back to that same hospital where we lost him, for her to under go a heart surgery. For me the nicest thing is simply when people remember. There are a few people who take time to send me encouraging letters and notes around the time of year that we lost him because they know I’m going to be lost in a fog of depression. Don’t be afraid to let your friends know that even though their little ones lives lasted but a moment, it was important. Their lives mattered and you remember.
I am so sorry for the death of your precious son. I can’t imagine the sadness that lingers. My in-laws list their two year old son when he ran out in front of a truck. My mother in law also says it gives comfort when people remember. Thank you for sharing your heart and for giving us all your wisdom. Blessings to you.
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart. Tweeted and sharing on my FB page.
Thank you for sharing this! All it takes is a little love.
Thanks for these tips. Often in these circumstance, people want to offer support in some way but don’t know what to do. These solid tips offers several ways we have can help women during a difficult time.
What a great article! I’m always so worried I’ll say the wrong thing, but I don’t want to just not say anything… it’s such a fine line and so hard to know what to say or do! Thanks for this
Sarah, this is a beautiful post and it adds so much to today’s conversation of “I need you.” Thank you for showing us how to love in the best ways in a hard place.
I’m so grateful you are a part of the #livefreeThursday conversation. What a blessing!
Thank you, Suzie.
so powerful and full of such helpful truths. Keep writing sister. God is using you!! love love you!
As someone who has experienced loss by not having a uterus, we need these too. Thank you for your heart. Virtual hug with an extra tight squeeze is coming your way with a gentle, “I’m so sorry,” to accompany. May God use you to bring light to those who have experienced the same loss.
Sarah, your words are powerful. You’ve experience much pain, and I’m sorry you have. Yet God is extending hope and healing to others through your experience and words. I’m so glad I’m the one following you at Suzie’s today. Your words have blessed me and prompted me to act. I pray God continues to prompt you to share and to help others who are going through similar experiences. Bless you.
Julie you are oh so kind. Thank you so much for encouraging me with with your words.