Susannah B. Lewis Guest Blogs: I’m Jealous of My Best Friend Because She’s Pregnant

Please help me welcome the amazing Susannah B. Lewis to our site as our GUEST BLOGGER.  The following article she wrote sums up a feeling many women possess and helps us wrestle with that ugly “worm” of jealousy.  The piece was originally published at YourTango We are thrilled to offer it here at allamericanmom.net as well. Susannah is a freelance writer & Huffington Post contributor.

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I’m Jealous Of My Best Friend … Because She’s Pregnant

By

Does that make me a horrible friend?

Jealousy is like a worm. It crawls in through your ear, with a whisper. It inches over your tongue as you speak words of bitterness. It feeds on the vulnerable parts of your being. It slithers along, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Jealousy is like a worm.

I despise worms and I despise being jealous. I hate all of the putrid feelings that are a byproduct of jealousy: the resentment and the longing. I loathe the unpleasant person that I become when that begrudging worm burrows into my thoughts, feeding and gliding and feeding some more.

My best friend is a beautiful girl but I’m not entirely jealous of her fresh complexion and long light hair. She’s petite, but I’m not entirely bitter about her ability to pull a bathing suit off the rack without wondering if she’s going to look like a can of busted biscuits. She’s kind and patient, but I’m not entirely envious of the good fruit that she bears.

I’m jealous because my best friend is pregnant.

I want to be pregnant more than I’ve wanted anything in my adult life. I have desired to have another baby for years and with each negative test that I toss into the trash, I become more discouraged and disheartened. One month, though, hope emerged with a positive sign but that very hope dwindled as the plus sign became more and more faint and the bleeding began.

I long for this baby, this child I can picture when I close my eyes, this child for whom I’ve prayed countless prayers, this child who has already been named. My longing for this child is so intense that I can barely look at a pregnant woman or new mother without feeling defeated, subpar.

But these pregnant women, strangers, who I see waddling around in elastic-waisted maternity jeans, panting across the parking lot or lugging around a car seat, are just that: strangers. They are merely passing individuals and I won’t be privy to their pregnancy milestones. I won’t have to watch them glow and share ultrasound photos or pick out nursery bedding. Their pregnancies aren’t close to my home or my heart.

But my best friend, who holds a test with a big Pink plus sign, my best friend cultivating a seed that was so quickly sown, my best pregnant friend’s jubilant news makes me feel like a stupid child who wants to cower in the corner because she didn’t get picked to skip rope on the playground.

When my friend told me about her pregnancy, my heart sank. I could almost feel it plummet into the pit of my stomach and become meal for that slimy worm.

What kind of friend experiences pangs of dread at her confidant’s joy?

What kind of best friend finds sadness in her sister’s happiness?

I do.

I’m a horrible friend. 

I stewed over her pregnancy for a couple of days but it really hit me when she announced her good fortune on social media. I watched the “likes” skyrocket and congratulations fill the comments and I began to bawl like a baby. I hated myself for crying and I tried to suppress those negative emotions but they poured from my eyes uncontrollably, like a child weeping because her ice cream cone fell to the hot pavement.

A child deprived of something.

Rejected. Unlucky. Covetous.

See, I really do desire to be happy for her. She deserves this joy in her life and I have no doubt what a wonderful mother she will be to this precious bundle, but my heart refuses to be delighted for her because I want my own bundle. I’d be a wonderful mother, too.

Selfish. Egotistical. Jealous.

Thankfully, we possess the kind of friendship where we can speak openly and honestly with one another.

As tears blinded my eyes, I typed a text message to let her know what I was feeling. I confessed it all: the jealousy and the guilt for possessing such malicious thoughts about her good news. And she replied exactly what I needed to hear because she’s known the ins and outs of my infertility and miscarriage. She was kind, comforting and most importantly, understanding.

That’s exactly why she’s my best friend. And that’s exactly why she deserves my utmost happiness.

I’ve decided to rid myself of the selfish and spiteful feelings. It may take a great deal of effort but I’ll do it. I’ll be the best friend she so deserves. I’ll rejoice in her good fortune and her sunshine, despite this rainy season in my life.

I’ll also make every effort to stave off the other pangs of jealousy that I experience on a daily basis: Jealousy over another’s job promotion, book deal, SUV with electric start, new house, lush landscaping, house-trained puppy, Facebook likes, Twitter followers, hair that doesn’t grow in the humidity, beauty, toned abs, clear skin, awards, recognition, popularity. I’m such a pitiable creature to be so envious of things when I already have more blessings than I deserve.

Aren’t we all pitiable creatures?

You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars.

Jealousy is like a worm. It crawls in through your ear, with a whisper. It inches over your tongue as you speak words of bitterness. It feeds on the vulnerable parts of your being. It slithers along, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Jealousy is like a worm.

But I refuse to let it burrow into my mind any further. I refuse to let that dirty worm make me an unworthy friend. I refuse to let it stifle my joy that should be ever-present when my best friend begins to glow and show and one day soon birth her precious and well-deserved gift.

Worms like to surface in rain, just as this jealousy worm has surfaced in the midst of my own storm. But the sun will eventually shine forth and leave it shriveled and dead.

I never liked worms.

 

Link to original article:

http://www.yourtango.com/2015263816/im-jealous-of-my-best-friend-because-shes-pregnant

 


If you need support or encouragement, please consider joining our miscarriage & pregnancy loss support groups.

For Women:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/LovedBabyMiscarriageSupport/

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If you liked this article you might also like:

I’m Starting To Realize My Third Pregnancy Will Not Be As Easy <http://www.yourtango.com/2014237305/family-im-realizing-my-third-pregnancy-will-not-be-as-easy>
The Death Of My Alcoholic Father Made Me A Better Mom <http://www.yourtango.com/2014224990/the-death-of-my-alcoholic-father-improved-my-own-parenting>
5 Ways I Really Suck At Parenting (Oh Well) <http://www.yourtango.com/2014226532/5-parenting-mistakes-i-make-but-my-family-loves-me-nonetheless>

 

About Sarah

Sarah Lewis Philpott, Ph.D lives in the south on a sprawling cattle farm where she raises her two mischievous children (and one little baby!) and is farm wife to her high school sweetheart. It's quite the chaotic household, but she adores the blessings God has provided. Sarah is represented by The Blythe Daniel Literary Agency. Her book, Loved Baby: 31 Devotions for Helping you Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss, will be published in October '17 by Broadstreet Publishing. You can go ahead an pre-order it on Amazon, Barnes & Nobles, and at Christian Book. Sarah is a lover of coffee (black), rocking chairs, the outdoors, and Hemingway. Visit with Sarah at her All-American Mom blog where she writes about life on the farm and cherishing life in joy & in sorrow.

4 thoughts on “Susannah B. Lewis Guest Blogs: I’m Jealous of My Best Friend Because She’s Pregnant

  1. What a beautiful post! I too deal with jealously over friends that have gotten pregnant, and now by former students of mine that have grown and gotten pregnant. I have learned how to rejoice in my friend’s pregnancies but still dealing my students as some of them are too young and unmarried.

  2. Even though I don’t desire to be pregnant and I’m sterile now, I also feel a bit of “done” with everyone else’s pregnancy announcements and new babies. I’m kind of negative. I don’t care how many cravings you have! I don’t know if it’s rooted in jealousy, or maybe loneliness? But this post was an eye opener that I have these less than joyful reactions to pregnancy announcements. Thank you! It’s something I’ll be praying about now.

  3. Oh man does this totally stricken a cord with me. I don’t have a best friend but I do have some friends who are pregnant and announced it during and after my miscarriage. And while my first reaction was “Why you and not me?” I forced the happiness post on their status and prayed for their safe pregnancies and health babies immediately and for God to take away my jealousy and to fell me with joy knowing He was bringing a new life into the world. And bonus I get to love on them and not be responsible for them.

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